I've got big enough balls to publicly admit that I've fallen into a lull of depression. This afternoon I walked away from this computer and crawled into bed. A few moments ago, just before 9.30pm, my 10-year-old son Robbie came into my bedroom and woke me up. "Dad! Tea's ready!". I wasn't arsed, but obviously I couldn't ignore the effort that had been put in.
Online I portray myself as this happy go lucky, cheeky, non-nonsense character, larger than life without a care in the world. In reality I'm at the end of the line and ready to throw myself under a train because seeing what's happening to Liverpool Football Club is destroying me - and I'm sure there are many other Reds out there who are as deep as me, if not deeper.
You see, Liverpool FC and football in general is my escape from life. When things go wrong at home I turn to the Reds. When I'm down I'll throw on a DVD and watch some historic moments from our fine history. Ever since I was a teenager I've done this. But for the first time in my life, it's not working. I'm lost.
The situation at Anfield has been like this for a while but for some reason it's finally caught up with me. Of course I've been run down but if you know what depression really is, and I'm not using the word lightly, well I've just hit it. Depression to me is when you don't want to get out of bed, not because you're tired but because there's nothing to get up for. Depression is not giving a f*ck what you look like and finding absolutely no positives about anything. I look and feel like Zak Dingle.
In a few minutes I'm going back to bed again. I don't know why, there's no answers there but at least I'm away from this computer and the reminders I see every time I browse KopTalk. I'm sure that the average fan can switch off from Liverpool FC for a while each day. The average fan probably goes to work or school, they probably have family, they probably only have an hour or two to spare each day to read up on LFC. Me, well from the minute I get up until the minute I go to bed, it's nothing but Liverpool because of my role with the site. In all the years I've run KopTalk I have never ever felt so low. It is killing me seeing so many fellow Reds looking for answers and praying for closure.
Something has to give and I'm ready to be the one that pulls the trigger. Would you die for Liverpool FC? I asked myself this the other day. No I'm not about to walk into Tom Hicks' office and blow myself up, I was just trying to work out how much the club means to me. It was one of those laid in bed at 4am thoughts. When I wake up during the night for a [oops], I power on my iPad and take a nosey at KopTalk and check my emails. I really do spend every minute I'm awake tracking things. Even when I go out on the last at the weekend, I check the site every 15 minutes via my iPhone and my email inbox is checked every 1 minute automatically. My critics, you know, the ones who bitch and moan about KopTalk for having an optional membership, have absolutely no idea how much effort I put in for our members. Liverpool FC and KopTalk is my life. They will never understand; muppets. I can never escape LFC and normally I don't want to.
I have maintained for a long time time that to really turn up the pressure on Tom Hicks and George Gillett is to take the protests to them. I am seriously considering heading to Dallas myself. When they bought the club both men invited me to America and Canada. I spent time at their set-ups. With Hicks especially, to take a protest to his office would really worry him. The area, the other businesses in the same office block... seriously, there would be mayhem and as he's banged on about recently, he hates the invasion of his privacy.
You can't get anywhere near his house but you can get to his office with ease. I'll willingly take a group of Reds with me and camp outside making as much noise as possible while protesting legally. If it means a spell in the cells, so what! F*cking Dallas cops don't scare me. I got my collar felt outside the Texas Rangers stadium the last time I was there for getting involved in a brawl with a cowboy (no sh*t!) after he upset the company I was in. The tw*t left me with a broken nose but he ended up in an ambulance too. LFC or Dallas PD (police dept)... I know where my respect lies.
Back home, we really need to turn up the heat on the Royal Bank of Scotland. We should be co-ordinating protests outside every branch of the RBS in the country and working shifts with fellow Reds. There's enough Reds to ensure we have a visible presence at every branch, all of the time. There's also plenty of other RBS companies that could be hit. I am convinced that the pressure put on the RBS (thanks to Spirit of Shankly in particular) has already made a difference and it wasn't intense. I really do believe that while we can't force the Yanks out, we can speed the decision process up and keep the pressure on.
Hicks is a stubborn [oops] and Gillett a nervous wreck but Hicks has also shown a weakness with his 'invasion of privacy' quotes recently. The RBS are only interested in money. Such a huge organisation cannot have any negative publicity. Picture the scene. Every RBS branch with a team of Reds outside armed with a megaphone, some 'Boycott RBS' banners and so on. Customers won't give a toss, especially if they're not Reds but that's not who we're protesting at. The RBS would sh*t themselves.
I can't go through this misery much longer and what worries me is that there are probably a lot of Reds out there with little to lose. Because of that, I am absolutely amazed that nobody has stepped things up a bit. I said months ago that it was time to put the frightners on. Ski masks and baseballs bats is enough to put the sh*ts up anyone. You don't have to hurt anyone but at least give the impression that you will. And as for 'that's not the Liverpool way' and 'the press will come down hard on us', well I say [oops]! What Liverpool way? There is no Liverpool way any more and as for the press and negative attention, seriously, can it get any worse? We won't have a club left at this rate.
I wouldn't hesitate to wade into anyone with a baseball bat that is harming my club and I don't care if it means a spell in the jug. It might make no difference but at least I will have achieved satisfaction. Peaceful, disruptive but legal protests are what I would prefer, I'm just saying I'm surprised that nobody has started smashing up RBS branches yet.
Hicks, Gillett, Purslow, Broughton... can it get any worse? For the love of God, someone wake me from this misery.
YNWA
Duncan Oldham
KopTalk Editor
